Harry Potter and The Riddle of Steel
by WillyDJ
Summary: Demented crackfic in which Harry is a fan of Robert E Howard.
1. Chapter 1

It had occured to Vernon and Petunia Dursley that their adopted nephew was not an ordinary boy. There was the whole son of a witch and a wizard thing but there was something beyond even that. Harry Potter was not normal. Instead he would lock himself in the closet, the closet of all things! It wasn't even his closet but the one under the stairs. There was a lock on the inside of the door and young Harry would lock himself in there doing heavens knew what. Vernon was concerned because that's where his secret stash of skin magazines were. However when he had checked surreptitiously when Harry was absent the covert pile looked untouched.

What Vernon had forgotten was that there was also a small cache of books in there, a relic of Vernon's younger days when he had been a fan of Robert E Howard. Harry Potter was in fact spending every waking moment reading of the exploits of Conan. He felt that he too had some cosmic destiny and knew that one did not get help from adoptive parents. Harry was a little concerned himself by his adoptive family. By all accounts they should be evil, or dead. He waited patiently, safe in his sanctum meditating on the exploits of the heroic Cimmerian waiting for the Dursleys to reveal themselves to be necromancers. sorcerors, allies of Shub Niggurath or to be slain by such so that he could manifest his destiny and take bloody revenge.

The video cassette recording of Conan the Barbarian was incredibly worn at four privet drive. It was the video Harry would always request and his adoptive parents thought little of it. Children watched things over and over, it was a reassuring touch of normality and also he wasn't locked in the closet while watching it.

It came as something of a relief when, at age 9, Harry took an interest in metalwork and took to mucking about in the shed when not in the closet. Mucking about in sheds was a fine british past-time and very normal. The Dursleys would have been more concerned if they knew what Harry was working on.

It was a sword. It was to be a steel blade but the riddle of steel was giving young Harry some trouble. Most troubling was where he could get a suitable slave in which to finally quench the blade. England had foolishly abandoned the practice centuries ago. Harry was certain that the neighbours cat would not suffice.

However, Harry's work on the blade and his aunt and uncles concerns came to an abrupt end when the letter arrived, just before Harry's eleventh birthday. The letter was adressed to Harry. His uncle handed it to him, a little nervously.

"Um, lad. This is for you." said Vernon.

Harry took the letter, opened it and read the contents. He scowled, frowned and tried scowling again.

"It says I am a wizard. Is this a trap?" he asked Vernon.

"Sorry son. We were sort of hoping it wouldn't happen. But your parents were wizards and so are you. They have a special school and everything. You'll get to stay there all year and make all sorts of friends." Vernon tried to sound hopeful. Harry was quite a solemn child and didn't have regular friends. But surely a magical school would have something to break Harry out of his shell.

"What is this 'Hogwarts', I thought I was going to Smeltings, like Dudley." said Harry.

"Well, yes. But this is a wizard school. It would be fantastic. They probably have broom races, and um, monster taming. You'll meet sorceresses, and unicorns and giants." said Vernon, dredging his memory of things magical.

"I shall defeat them all. Is this my quest?" said Harry.

A vague memory twinged in Vernon's overly mundane mind. "Yes a quest lad. You are to go, go to this Hedgeworts and seek out the evil within." he said.

"I shall do so. I shall find the evil sorceror and slay him." said Harry.

The prospect of his adoptive charge murdering what was in all likely some teacher worried Vernon. "Um, well, let's not be hasty about this slaying business. Could you not just give it a reccy first. Scout it out, yes, that's the idea. Scout out this lair of wizards and then report back at the end of the year."

Harry paused and scowled some more. "Yes, I shall do that. I will investigate and learn the secrets of my enemies so that when it is time to strike I can do so swiftly and without mercy." Harry said.

"Uh, yeah. You do that. Look first. Then come back and I can decide if there needs to be any, slaying." said Vernon.

"It will be done. It says here I need supplies. From London. Can we venture forth and procure what I need for my quest."

"Uh, yes." said Vernon, glad to be on a topic that did not involve murdering some hapless person. "But let's go on Saturday, we can take your Aunt and Dudley as well, make a trip of it."

"I shall go and prepare." said Harry. Harry then went into the corridor and Vernon could hear the closet door open and shut.

Thus began the chronicle of Harry Potter and the Sorceror of Hogwarts.

That Saturday saw Harry in the back of the Dursley's car while Vernon searched for a place to park in the middle of London. Normally Harry hated car trips. His aunt and uncle had trouble with maps and directions and most journeys ended in an row. They also took him away from the closet or shed. But today Harry was excited, he was on a quest! Already he had spotted several garishly dressed people heading to where the letter had indicated was the mysterious Diagon Alley near Kings Cross. But whenever he tried to point them out to his relatives they seemed to miss them. That meant these sorcerors were using some spell to occlude themselves from normal sight. Harry knew that to keep such a spell going would require a totem, or a gem or suchlike to maintain it.

While his uncle had forbidden him to slay anyone without his permission he had said nothing about pulling away the mystic viel they had pulled over everybody's eyes. He would seek it out and destroy it!

Eventually Vernon found a park and they made their way through the loud, noisome streets towards Kings Cross. Again, Harry noticed many strangely dressed persons who were clearly wizards. However, the only unusual people to trouble his uncle and aunt were when some Hare Krishnas passed them chanting and a street evangelist had stopped mid-rant, marched over to Uncle Vernon and grabbed him.

"Beware, beware. The dark one walks among you and you know it not!" the evangelist had screeched. Afterwards the man regained his composure, mumbled an apology and handed Vernon a leaflet. Vernon tossed it in the next rubbish bin they passed.

"Must be an American." muttered Vernon, "Know anything about a 'dark one' lad?" he asked Harry.

Harry scowled, "Nay, uncle. But I will seek out any such miscreant and..." he paused as his uncle held up a warning finger, "...report their presence back to you at the year's end." he finished deflated.

"Good, um, yes, good." said Vernon. "Now where's this Elliptical Way then?" Vernon peered up and down Euston Road. It seemed incredible to Harry that his uncle's gaze just slid over men dressed bright dresses, women with small dragons on their shoulders and children with owls as pets. He noticed that many were ducking into a narrow alley.

"Do not fear uncle. I see the way. Shall we proceed?" said Harry.

"Uh, yes. right" said Vernon. He paused and a frown crossed his features. "Uh, but first, perhaps I'll just get your Aunt and Dudley seated at that cafe. Your Aunt had a bit of blood with your mother, best not directly remind her. You wait here and then we can go in together."

While his uncle was tending to that task an oddly dressed young man shyly approached Harry. He was dressed in a pink and purple robe with actual silver stars on them. Behind him a young woman dressed in red and gold with what appeared to be live fireworks as accessories held he face in her hands and looked uncortable.

"Excuse me. Are you, are you, him." said the man.

"Am I who, sorceror?" said Harry and subjected the wizard to his best death glare. The man took this as being merely endearingly cute and seemed to notice the scar on his forehead.

"You are him!" he squeaked. He grabbed Harry's hand and shook it vigourously. "Thankyou, thankyou. Mr Potter. Dierdre! Have you got your camera? I'm shaking hands with Harry Potter."

The woman grimaced and looked like she wished to be anywhere else. But she did extract a large old camera from her purse and took the picture. She then dragged her still effusive friend away. Harry watched them go.

"Well now, let's get going. Um, soon as you say where?" said Vernon, who had returned. He had a small paper bag which he offered to Harry. It contained a cream pastry. "Best keep your sugar up." he said.

"We go this way, walk as I do." said Harry and headed for the gap between the shops. "Uncle, is there anything you may of forgotten to tell me."

"Not really lad. There was a bit of a...wow." said Vernon. They had stepped through into Diagon Alley. It appeared to be a full size street extending ahead and behind them filled with shops brimming with exotic objects and the people! The street was a riot of mad colours that clashed and fought one another as if they were in the midst of giant, frenzied birds of paradise.

"It is most impressive uncle, but we must forge on." said Harry who then dove into the crowd.

"Yes, of course. Hey! Wait for me." Vernon plunged into the chaos after his nephew.


	2. Chapter 2

Five minutes later they were hopelessly lost.

"I, I don't understand. There's just not this much room between Euston and the station." said Vernon, clearly flustered and confused. His face had become red and he was fanning himself with a small habdkerchief. About them swirled the brightly coloured crowds intent on their business.

"Well, any direction is better than none, uncle. We should just choose one." said Harry.

"Um, okay. Oof." said Vernon as he turned and bumped into a short portly man dressed rather somberly for a wizard. If it wasn't for the robes he looked more like someone who worked at the post office than a sorceror. "Oh, excuse me."

"No problem, no problem. Always busy on a day like this." said the stranger. The stranger looked Vernon over, "Are you a muggle? First time?"

"A what? But yes, this is our first time here. Young Harry got a letter and we have to buy his things for school. But, but, it's all so confounded and confusing!"

"Well, yes, it is a little busy. Tell you what. I usually let my wife sort all this out. How about we head off to the pub, I'll get Molly to show your lad around and you can explain to me the intricacies of, the light bulb."

"Light bulb? Well, um. There's er, filaments and, um Edison." said Vernon, trying remember what he had learned about light bulbs in school.

"Oh! You're an expert! Marvellous. Come this way and tell me all about them. Name's Arthur, Arthur Weasley. Yours?"

The wizard led them through the crowds to what was, despite the strange patrons, a pub. He ordered two beers and an odd glass of something for Harry. He then drew out a wand, waved it a few times and spoke a strange word. A letter appeared and the wizard wrote hastily on it. He then waved the wand again and spoke another odd word. The letter sprouted wings and flew off. He then turned back to Vernon and Harry.

"That's all sorted out. Now, tell me about light bulbs."

The conversation between the adults continued in that fashion. Each completely unfamiliar and unable to understand even the simplest concepts of the other world. It seemed a bit odd to Harry, light bulbs were light bulbs and magic obviously was very different but still did understandable things. He tasted his drink, it was a butterscotch soda.

Not long after a woman with a boy Harry's age in tow came in and acosted the wizard.

"I might of known. Busiest day of the year. I'm run off my feet and you've nicked off to the pub with the first muggle you've met. Honestly..." said the woman.

The boy walked round to where Harry was, gave him a look that said 'parents' and a shrug.

"Hi, my names Ron. And you are?" he said.

"I am called Harry Potter." said Harry.

"Wow! You're him? You're really him. Hey, Mum, Dad. It's Harry Potter." said Ron.

The adults stopped their conversation and seemed to look at Harry for the first time.

"Merlin's beard. It is him! Molly look, it's Harry Potter." said Arthur.

The woman crouched down to look at Harry. A flash of recognition flashed across her face. "Oh, it is him. Harry, you look just like your father. Bit scawny though, what are you feeding him?" Molly said, the last to Vernon.

"All kids are a bit skinny at that age. All that growing." said Vernon.

Molly glowered and said, "Well, I guess we'll be about getting your things then Harry. Arthur, take your new friend to Gringotts and sort things out. When they get back we'll go shopping for them."

"Gringobbs?" said Vernon.

"Once and Future Wizarding Bank of England." said Arthur.

"Oh, a bank." said Vernon, picking up on the only word that he understood. "Well then, I think we should go visit."

Waiting for the two men to get back from the bank took longer than expected. Eventually, muttering the word 'typical' Molly got up and left Ron and Harry in the pub after admonishing that they were not to go 'running off'. Niether child really noticed as they were discussing a topic nearand dear to their hearts, swords.

"Yeah, I've got a replica toy sword of the one weilded by Godric Grffindor. Well, it was Bill's, he's my brother, then Percy's he's my other brother and then Fred and George..."

"They also are your brothers?"

"Yeah. But anyways it's mine now. And a sword is much better than a wand or a crystal or a staff?"

Harry nodded. "Whose sword is it a replica of."

"Godric Gryffindor. He was the bravest wizard ever. He helped found Hogwarts. I'm going to be in his house. My parents and all my brothers were, so I'm in."

"Houses?"

"Oh yes. We all get sorted into houses at school and compete against each other for the House Cup." said Ron.

"We will be battling against rival wizard houses?"

"Well, not battling. That would be a bit silly, we're kids. But there's contests, and points if you're a swot and, and Quidditch of course."

"Quidditch? What is this Quidditch?"

"It's the best sport ever! You play it on brooms with a quaffle, and beaters, and..." over the next few minutes Ron gave Harry a concise if enthusiastic overview of the sport.

"It's brillant. We could see if we can join the Gryffindor team together. They don't normally let first years in cos they say it's dangerous. But we can always try!" said Ron.

"Yes, I see. The purpose of this sport. It is to develop certain skills, like flying and aerial combat." said Harry.

"Well, um. I never thought about it before. But it's great."

"Well, then we shall join and triumph over our foes. You said there were other, houses." said Harry.

"Oh yes." said Ron. "There's Gryffindor, were the best and bravest. Then there's Ravenclaw, they're all the swots. And Hufflepuff, they're, um" Ron scrunched his face up in an effort of concentration. "They're well, Hufflepuffs. But there's also Skytherin." he finished.

"And what are Slytherin?" said Harry thinking he already knew the answer.

"They're the bad guys. Oh, dad says they're okay and just ambitious and cunning but everyone knows they're really evil. I mean all the dark wizards have come from Slytherin, their symbol's a snake and their colours are green and silver. I mean really, they may as well wear badges saying 'Hi, I'm a dark wizard in training.'"

Harry grinned. "I see. I understand. It is so clear." he said.

At that moment another woman came into the pub. With her was a blond boy already in his school robes. Grreen and silver robes. The woman guided the boy to a spot by Ron and Harry and went to the bar for a sherry.

"Hello, I'm Draco Malfoy. You, I know." said Draco to Ron., "You're a Weasley. And you?" he said to Harry.

Harry tried his best glare at what he knew what almost certainly was his life-long foe. There should of been trumpets. There should of been drums. There should of been a crescendo of an entire orchestra as he sized up his future opponent.

It was therefore a bit of a disapointment when the moment was puntuated by a loud belch from a young male patron who then had the gall to beam proudly at his disturbance. Harry cursed the general lack of dramatic gravitas.

"I'm Harry Potter. I will crush you beneath my sandals, drive you before me and hear the lamantation of your, um, women." he said.

"Really?" said Draco. He puffed himself up and glared at Harry.

"Really." said Harry who did likewise.

Harry would of got stuck in right there if the woman hadn't finished her sherry, gathered up Draco and dragged him off asking him who his friends were. Both boys continued to glare at one another as Draco departed.

"It would seem I now know the face of my enemy." said Harry.

"Brilliant!"

Arthur and Vernon soon returned. Molly then took both boys shopping for their school found shopping in Diagon Alley to be very exciting. Every shop was full of wierd and interesting things that quickly took his attention away from what would ordinarily be very boring. Also, people everywhere wanted to shake his hand and thank him. Eventually, they fetched back up at the Leaky Cauldron where Arthur was trying to explain what a goblin was to Vernon. Thoroughly confused, Vernon left with his nephew pulling a cauldron filled with books, a uniform, parchment and more esoteric things. He did not seem to notice that the cauldron was floating by itself.

Harry was musing on the strange conversation had with the wand seller, Mr Ollivander.

"A sword? Oh, no, no, no. No-one uses swords anymore. No flexibility, none at all." Ollivander had said. Ron's mother had agreed. Modern wizards used wands. So he had to settle on a wand like everyone else. The wand did fit comfortably in his hand, it felt like an extension of himself.

"How very odd that that wand should choose you. Very odd indeed. You see it was that wand's brother that gave you your scar." Ollivander had explained.

That was more like it. At least something was showing a proper sense of how things worked. He now had a weapon. Even if it was just a stick, it was a stick with destiny writ all over it.

The return home was uneventful. As Harry was putting everything away his uncle asked if he could leave the wand in the cauldron too.

"It's not as if you know how to really use it yet. Mebbe just read the books lad." he had said somewhat nervously.

"I shall do so uncle. After all, it's just a stick." said Harry.

"Umm, yes well. Um, you see Harry." mumbled Vernon.

"Yes, uncle."

His uncle had then got all red in the face and embarrased and left soon after without an explanation. Still Harry obeyed and dove into his books. Well, one book at first. It was titled 'Enchanting for beginners and there was a whole chapter on swords. Most long term enchanting of objects required the use of various potions to soak in or oils and creams to slather on. Harry had to look up 'slather' in a dictionary. It looked like alchemy was the subject to persue so Harry dove into that book as well. It was quite confusing but he persevered and after a month it was beoming a little more clear.

Less confusing than alchemy was his work on a sword. Visits to the local agricultural show and talking with the various heritage crafters interested in smithing had taught Harry that a lot of what he thought he knew was wrong. He now had a blank to work with gifted by an enthusiast. While progress was slow, he was actually getting somewhere. It was even beginning to look like a sword.

Soon it was time to catch the train to the school. The location was a bit strange.

"What sort of place is 'Platform Nine and Three Quarters', oh it's Kings Cross again." his uncle had said when Harry told him where he had to go to catch the train. "Is it going to be hard to find like that, that..." Vernon trailed off, even the names of the magic places were hard to remember.

"Do not fear uncle. It will reveal itself." said Harry.

Harry and his Uncle packed the car full the school supplies and a large trunk of clothes. Vernon then drove Harry to Kings Cross Station. Again, Harry noticed many weird looking people converging on the station and that his uncle all but ignored them. They reached the station and unloaded and went in search of Platform Nine and Three Quarters. It proved a little difficult. Harry grimly pushed a trolley containing all his supplies while his uncle became increasingly flustered.

"Nine. Ten. Ten. Nine. Nine. Ten." said Vernon. He was pacing past the support and two signs indicating the two platforms. He was getting increasingly flustered and fanned himself with his handkerchief. Harry was also worried. There seemed to be no tell tale secret door or obvious clue.

"I'm sorry lad. I cannot seem to find it. Where, where is this Habworths. Perhaps we can drive there." Vernon said.

"Do not worry Uncle. I have a plan. We shall find some wizards and we shall follow them. In fact, I believe we should follow those ones." said Harry. He pointed at Arthur and Molly Weasley and what looked like many children in tow pushing trolleys.

Vernon brightened up on seeing them. "The sensible wizard!" he said.

Arthur noticed them at about the same time. "The light bulb man!" he said. The two men met and shook hands.

"Well, we meet again." said Arthur. "Sending young Harry off to Hogwarts?"

"Um, yes. Bit of bother there. Cant seem to find the platform." said Vernon.

"Yes, well. Oh right. You're a muggle. There should be a prefect or two about to show you chaps what to do. But you know how it is. Being a prefect doesn't stop you from being a teenager. We'll show you the way. And you can explain to me the, the Rubber Duck."

"Rubber Duck? Well, they're small, um yellow, er bath toys. There's a chain thingy attached to plug so it can be pulled out easily when you're done." said Vernon.

"The bath? Oh brillant, simply brillant. Molly, Molly this wonderfull muggle has explained the Rubber Duck. They go in the bath."

"That's nice dear. You can take them out of our bedroom then. Oh well, off you go kids."

One by one the Weasleys' children took their trolleys and walked straight into the support. Instead of a crunch they disappeared!

"That's how you do it. Helps if you run at it the first few times." said Arthur.

"A sort of magic door? Wait. There won't be fauns, will there?" said Vernon.

"Fauns? Oh, I hope not. They always look so sad and lost. It's a shame really." said Molly.

"Shame?"

"It's quite awful really, poor things never really recovered after the war. Dying out they are." said Molly. "C'mon Harry. Your turn."

Harry gritted his teeth and ran at the support, pushing his trolley. Instead of crashing he appeared on another platform. Everywhere there were people. And there were also animals. It seemed that many witches and wizards had familiars. Harry wondered if there was a way to distinguish which were animals and which were demons.

A massive blast distracted Harry from his musings. His attention was drawn to the steam locomotive pulling into the station. Children and familiars swarmed towards the train adding shouts, yells, laughing, hoots, growls and squeaks as they boarded the carriages. Harry joined the throng and boarded the train. He threaded through the cramped passageway filled with children until he spotted Ron. The other boy was alone in a cabin. Harry moved to go in.

"You don't want to go in there Potter." came a voice. Harry turned. It was his nemesis, Drongo? Was that his name? Harry couldn't remember. What he could remember was a suitably Conan like response.

"I take orders from no man, certainly no sorcerer." Harry tried a low growl but it came out rather more higher pitched. Several children turned to watch the confrontation.

"Really?" said Dracula? No. That wasn't his name either. "I suggest you do. You should side with us, not some loser like Weasley." Harry noticed that, whover, started with a D anyways was flanked by two rather heavyset children that Harry immediately pegged as minions. Harry saw a scenario play out in his mind and it was glorious. Better yet, he knew Draco, yes! That was his name, he would play his part perfectly.

"This Wealey, you say. What makes him a loser?" said Harry. He drifted a bit closer. One of the minions seemed to notice, the other was too busy excavating his left nostril. It didn't matter.

Draco started in on what was clearly a favourite subject, listing the deficiencies of what he believed to be his inferiors. "Well Potter. I glad you asked. Weasleys are at the very bottom of what it means to be a wizard. You can of course recognize them by their red hair, tons of children and total poverty. They are...wait, what are you doing." Harry had held up a hand.

"I understand enemy of mine. Know that I will oppose you at every turn and I shall make Ron my ally. Together we will crush you." said Harry.

"Oh yeah!" snorted Draco. "You and what army."

"Observe. See this hand." said Harry. He waved his hand. Everyone looked at it. Harry kicked Draco in the shins. As the other boy went down the observant minion leapt for Harry and the other would of done so too if the crowd hadn't leapt in creating a massive free for all brawl. Harry swung his fists. It was on!


	3. Chapter 3

Harry woke up in a bed. That was odd. Hadn't he been in a train? Hadn't he been in a fight? His head felt fuzzy and there was a dull ache over many parts of his body. As he took in his surroundings he noticed he was in some sort of hospital ward. About a dozen children currently occupied the beds.

"Ah, I see our little miscreant is coming around." said a voice. Harry looked up. A man was looming over the bed. He gave Harry the impression of a crow, all dressed in black with a prominent nose and greasy, black hair. "Now that you're up you can tell us why started the fight. And then you be lucky if we don't expel you right away. Be less trouble in the long run in my opinion." the man continued.

"Now, now Severus. We have twelve different accounts of how the fight started and five names. We simply don't have any proof." said a tall, severely dressed woman in grey.

"It was him. I know it. Look at him. The guilt is written on his face." Severus pointed at Harry.

"I did it. I started the fight." came a voice from an adjacent bed. Everyone turned to look at the speaker. It was the minion who had gone for him. "I didn't like the cut of his jib, mouthing off to Draco and all. So I did him."

The black clad adult paused. "So you allege that Potter was provoking Malfoy first." he said to the other boy.

The boy paused and scrunched up his face. "No. I think it was Draco mouthing off. But then I got bored so I did him."

"Why would you do that?" said the severe woman.

The boy looked at the woman and said. "He's Harry Potter, I'm Vincent Crabbe." as if that was all the explanation that was needed.

The woman blinked. "I don't quite follow you Mr Crabbe."

The boy continued. "It's an ancient blood feud. He's a Potter, I'm a Crabbe. We're enemies. Our ancestors fought and duelled. We will fight and duel and so will our descendants."

The woman scowled. "I'm very sorry to hear that Mr Crabbe. Hopefully your time at Hogwarts will help you learn not to be enemies." The boy just gave her a look.

The adults wandered off still arguing. Harry looked over to his new enemy. His Uncle had been right. The school did had cool stuff. "Is all that true?" he said to Crabbe.

"Yeah. Nah. I guess it is. It's all Dad and his friends go on about. Pureblood, mudblood, bloody blood feud this, blood feud that. Blah, blah, blah. It's boring. It's all they ever talk about." said Vincent Crabbe.

Harry blinked. "You don't want a mortal enemy?"

"I want my mum. My real mum. Just once. She got killed in that stupid war just after I got born. Just like your mum and dad. That's what 'mortal enemy' means. People die and they don't get to be with their families. I mean, dad married again and all, and my stepmum's alright, I guess. But she's not my real mum. So, I think I'll give it a pass."

Harry sat back. He had never really thought of it that way before. His parents were dead as a result of the wizard war, just like Vincent's mum. His adoptive family were okay and Uncle Vernon did try but Harry suspected it wasn't the same.

"Blood feuds are for old people. Only thing it's good for is if you want to get into a fight. After it's all over, when the olds ask why, you can just say Blood Feud and everyone nods and leaves you alone." continued Vincent. "So I'll probably do it again. Good fight's always fun and you're pretty good."

"Really."

"Yeah. Not as good as me, cos I'm bigger. And that was a good trick on Draco. Did you see his face?"

The two boys continued with details, real and imagined about the fight. And if Harry hadn't got in as many blows and Vincent's wild haymaker hadn't connected then neither boy corrected the oversight. Both agreed that getting into a fight occasionally would be good fun.

"Why were you hanging around with Draco?" said Harry.

"Yeah, that. Well, he and Greg are sort of the only other kids I know so I hang with them. Also were all going to be in Slytherin so, you know, may as well be friends with the people I'll be rooming with for the next seven years, even if they are gits. And you're likely to be in Gryffindor. That's what your parents were in. They say the hat chooses, but it's prolly just a teacher doing a ventriloquism charm."

"Hat?"

"Hogwarts has this magic hat that sorts you into one of the four houses. But I think it's just a teacher really."

"I guess we shall soon see."

A few hours later the school nurse pronounced both boys free to leave and join the sorting ceremony. As the boys entered the Main Hall they shifted slightly apart and gave each other what they hoped was an adversarial look. The other students were already eating. The stern looking teacher in grey looked up from her meal.

"Finally, the latecomers. Well, hurry up and get sorted. You first Vincent Crabbe."

The boys walked up to a chair and Vincent sat in it. The stern teacher lowered a shabby looking, but definitely wizardly hat onto his head. A mouth formed over the Brim and shouted "Slytherin!". Vincent then wandered over to the tables in green and silver colours.

"You next Potter." said the teacher.

Harry sat in the chair. The hat was lowered onto his head.

"I'm not a teacher, I am a magic hat and you are a Griffindor!" said the hat, the last being out loud to everyone. "Bit of a gimee that one. Don't know I bother really." it said before being taken off his head.

Harry got up and walked to the row of tables that were cheering. He quickly recognised Ron and squeezed in beside him.

"Knew you'ld be one of us!" said Ron.

Despite being late there was still plenty of food. Harry speared a sausage with his fork. The sausage said "Eeeek!" in a tiny scream.

"Oh cool, they've got Squeaking Sausages." said Ron, who stuck his fork into one on the same plate. That sausage also squealed. Soon the conversation of the tables was interrupted by a series of "Eeks!". Some of the students, including Harry looked at their food worriedly.

"Oh stop worrying. It's just a simple speaking charm. Probably the same as the one in Practical Enchanting." said a girl with thick bushy hair. "But it seems such a silly thing to use magic for and besides there are so many other more interesting spells to cast. Have you read all about them? I have memorised all our books for this year. My name's Hermione Granger."

"Were we supposed to do that?" said Harry.

"Nah, only swots do that sort of thing. That's why we're at school, to learn stuff." said Ron.

Several other students looked relieved at this.

"I don't think I would have had time. Mum didn't tell Dad she was a witch until a couple of days ago. It was a bit of a rush. Dad's a normal see." said another boy.

"Your Mum didn't tell your Dad she was a witch!" said Hermione.

"Oh, well, Mum's a bit forgetful, see. My name's Dean."

The other students introduced themselves. There was Lee who had a pet spider in a box and Neville who was an orphan. Neville had been brought up by his grandmother. As the other first year students introduced themselves Harry noticed that many of them had also lost parents or other family members, all about the same time. Children like Hermione and Ron, who still had both parents were in the minority and a little envied, even if, as it was with Hermione, they were both dentists.

Eventually, after several courses, dessert and the singing of the school song a translucent man approached the table. He was dressed in clothes Harry mentally classified as 'olden days' with many frills and slashes. He also appeared faded, not exactly colourless but looking like an old photograph.

"Time for bed. Gryffindors this way." said the strange man who then walked off through the door. Most of the students got up and walked towards the door. After a few seconds the man stuck his head through the door.

"Hurray up! Tomorrow's a busy day." said the man. The students reached the door and opened it and started pouring into the hall and following him."

"That's a ghost."

"Cool."

"Is it dangerous?'

"Nah. Ghosts cant hurt anyone."

"Hey, I know you. You're Nearly Headless Nick!" This last was from Ron. The ghost stopped and regarded Ron.

"I prefer my actual name young man. Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington."

"Why nearly headless?" said several first years after which the other students started chanting. "Do it!"

After a while the ghost said "Oh, very well." He reached up to hold his head and tipped it sideways, like a lid. The head was connected only by the skin to the rest of the body. The students cheered.

"And now for the inevitable explanation." continued Sir Nicholas. "Those wretched Roundheads had only one executioner that day. By the end he was getting tired. So the axe didn't go all the way though."

"Wicked!"

"Do it again."

"I think not." said Sir Nicholas. The ghost then proceeded to lead the Gryfindors through halls. The halls were long and winding but they eventually arrived at a portrait of a woman. The portrait moved and spoke.

"Password?" it said.

"Um, err. I've got it here somewhere." said Sir Nicholas.

"Caput Draconis." said most of the students. The entire picture frame swung open to reveal a large circular hole. The students piled in past the befuddled ghost and started ascending the spiral staircase. They soon found the bedrooms and quickly sorted themselves out, changed and got into their beds.

Harry however remained awake. Here he was, in a magic castle with dangers and foes and peril! First step would be to scout it out. He got up, dressed again and snuck down the stairs. He reached the hole with the portrait.

"Caput Draconis" he whispered. The portrait swung aside. Harry snuck out.

The Hogwarts halls were quiet and dark. Harry found classrooms, kitchens, toilets, storerooms, a library and a room from which light and voices came from. He crept up to better listen.

"Here's to a new year." said a voice. It was answered by an agreeing murmer.

"It's going to be quite tricky. This is the first year that..." said a voice. Harry thought it came from the grey woman.

"Yes, yes. The first year Harry Potter will be gracing us." interrupted another voice. It sounded like Snape.

"I was going to say this is the first year for children born just after or during the last war will be attending. Harry Potter included but he's not the only one. A lot of eyes will be on us. More scrutiny than usual. So let's try to keep some of our eccentricities to a minimum." said the woman.

"It's a good point. We need to keep things quiet for the next few years." said the first voice.

"Why are you all looking at me?" said Snape. "Oh, very well I promise I won't jump down the troublemaker's throat instantly. What?"

The conversation moved towards more esoteric topics that Harry quickly lost interest in so he snuck back to the dorm. It took him quite a while. It seemed the passageways and stairs shifted and moved by themselves. It did give him time to think. Snape disliked him. Was that because he was an evil wizard, Harry's nemesis? How was he going to slay him? Harry had no doubt that a mature wizard would have several sorcerous protections and no doubt require a specific means of dispatching him. Harry resolved to pay extra attention to Snape's classes for any useful clues to his quest.


End file.
